It was New Years Eve of 2013. We were in Utah “celebrating” at a hotel. Despite executing the 1,876,398 details of our cross country move in the previous weeks, I had somehow managed to stop by the dollar store for some noise makers, plates, and a cute tablecloth. I had also grabbed our favorite sides from our favorite Tex Mex and some bottles of sparkling cider. We were not going to miss out on one of our favorite holidays. What I did not anticipate was no one being in a party mood. We had 2 sick kids and everyone had some level of a broken heart after saying goodbye to friends and family. I thought the worst was behind us and was genuinely excited deep in my soul for all that was to come. The previous year had been near impossible and surely the hard times were over. I had no idea the struggles that would lie before me.
You see, from that day forward, I never really found my footing and it was shocking. Life became a daily struggle. A literal struggle to get through each day. After years of yo yo dieting battling 20-30 lbs up and down my weight skyrocketed like never before. I longed to be even close to one of my before photos. It seemed I was powerless to stop it. A growing list of nagging physical ailments began. I wasn’t sleeping and could barely muster the strength through a day. I thought it was all because of the weight gain. I felt like I was sliding down into a very large hole . I spent each day feeling like I was stuck in quick sand. The level of tiredness made pregnancy fatigue seem like a walk in the park. I found enjoyment in very little and it was such an effort to talk to people. All of these things were not me. No where close. I felt like I had checked myself at the CA border. I was trying to make a new life for my family and I. But instead, I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. The whole thing was not in the least bit ideal. To be honest, I was mad about it. I felt like God called us here. We willingly obeyed and this was what I “got”?
I was confident I would figure it out. I really thought I could make it work. I would just try harder. I would. I was desperate to understand what was happening. I had never felt like this before and I would not give up. On top of the list of losses I had experienced that year, I was also losing myself. I barely had the strength to acknowledge it. All I knew in my head and heart was that I was failing miserably at everything and it wrecked me. I felt sidelined. I felt invisible. No one in my new city knew the real me at all because… I couldn’t find her.
Fast forward to 2018 and I finally decided to go to the doctor. I had avoided the doctor like the plague. I was sure I would get the you are overweight lecture and I just couldn’t bear the thought. After a couple of weeks, a couple of doctors, and several vials of blood, my doctor met with me to let me know my results. I had very low vitamin D, adrenal fatigue, very dysfunctional thyroid levels, and indeed the autoimmune condition, Hashimotos. He told me that it could be a year or more until I felt better. He told me all of the ways I had been feeling were due to this condition. He also told me that I would likely not lose any weight until my thyroid levels were under control and possibly even several months after that. Buckle up.
It took some time for all of this to sink in. All I could think was I had literally been beating myself up for 4 years and no matter how hard I tried this was all out of my control. There was not a darn thing I could do about it.
It has been 17 months since I was initially diagnosed. I still find it a very odd thing. It is an invisible condition and incredibly common. Like with most things, it is really hard to understand until you have been there. The timing of our move and the onset of this, brought a very large extra layer of challenges in this whole chapter for me. I’ve received great help and information and not so great help and information along the way. Everything has taught me something.
July 1 of this year, I started on the AIP diet. There is a lot of information online, if you just google. It seemed so difficult when I first heard of it that I dismissed it pretty quickly. After a year of research, elimination diets, medication, and little improvement, I re evaluated. Somehow it no longer seemed so impossible. Funny how that happens, right? After just 12 days, I saw almost miraculous results. Brain Fog, joint pain, fatigue, severe digestion issues, itchy skin… the list goes on, all G O N E. And for the first time in a very long time the scale was moving in the right direction. W H A T ? As I started to feel better, I couldn’t believe how bad I had been feeling.
I have hit some new roadblocks emotionally and am working through those. I have been immersing myself in books and sermons. When I finish one, it’s like God is all “here is the next one I want you to dive into”. It’s been pretty amazing. A ton of learning.
I have my Missouri bestie who cooks me meals when I just can’t stand the thought of being in the kitchen for another second. She has cleaned my house and listened to me whine more than anyone else on the planet. She met me at my worst and truly has shown me unconditional love and expects nothing from me in return. I’m not sure where I’d be without her, for reals. Then my family… they have put up with all of me and this long road and that is a massive feat in and of itself. They are currently doing a whole 30 along side me. They are the best.
Ya’ll I guarantee I will read this a million times and overanalyze every word. Not really too sure I want to hit publish, to be honest. My head is already screaming all the things…people have it so much worse than I. Who am I to complain. There are so many people with autoimmune. Stop being over dramatic and handle it. This really is no big deal, etc. etc. etc. BUT GOD, is working on me in a massive way. I am on a road to healing. A journey that I can only say I will always show up to and I will continue to each and every day. There is something in my heart that I just feel like I need to put this out there into the interwebs. Maybe it’ll help someone. Maybe it’s a vulnerability thing. Maybe a declaration of change. Maybe just a praise to God in the waiting…maybe a little bit of each.
I have walked around in a daze for the last 4 years and coming out of that is absolutely brilliant. I had a moment the other day that I felt like myself and I ugly cried. Then I panicked and cried again because it’s also equally terrifying. Everything feels raw and scary. God is truly re building me from the dirt up. So if you see me, I am currently living in a body I do not recognize, clothed in a black maxi dress from Amazon. I wear it nearly daily. I maybe own more than one. I do not wear it for religious reasons, or because I am involved in some sort of a dare. It is comfortable and I guess its my own little cocoon for now. I am no longer dazed, but I am still stumbling. I in no way have the power or discipline without God to continue this path of healing. I am excited to watch Him do His thing. I’m at the end of myself. I want to be healthy, happy, and whole. I want to see what God has for me in this next chapter and serve Him well. I want to be an awesome wife and mama and friend. I want to close the chapter on this part of my story and declare His healing power, both then and now. I also can’t wait to wear cute clothes again.
In many ways I wish I could re move. A big giant do over. But honestly, I wouldn’t even if I could. This has been the biggest growth period of my life to date and I could not and would not trade that for anything. Life is so messy. My God is so good. Beauty for ashes…God’s grand exchange.