I have been trying to blog for a few days now but my head is too full. You know, the “oh look a squirrel” thing…So, I resort to a list. A fancy name for a bunch of random thoughts, in no particular order.
1. This, written by my husband to our church family.
For eight years my family and I have had the honor of serving Impact and being part of this community. I have had the joy of being your Worship Pastor. I have always desired to be right in the center of God’s will for my life. Over the past year the Lord has been working in me, challenging me and, we believe, calling us to trust Him with our future. In light of this, we have come to the decision it is time to step out and trust God for what is next. We are excited and anxious, but we are confident. God is leading us this way and we ask for your prayers as we begin this journey. Thank you for allowing me the joy of leading you in worship of our God. It has been one of the most meaningful times of my life.
2. Where we are heading next.
I don’t know. It’s a scary place to be with four little ones. An end date to a salary without a firm date for your new one. Humanly, my brain doesn’t like this. But you know what? I have the raddest friends on the planet. Ever. They’ve offered me shoulders to cry on and their faith to borrow when mine isn’t strong enough. He is leading us on this path and our God is greater. He will take care of us. If we end up in a van down by the river, I shall get a disco ball for the interior.
3. Speaking of my friends.
Oh my word. I tell you my heart was on overload today. Four of my favorite-est girls all came to church this morning to sit by my side as my husband announced to our congregation our upcoming departure. It’s been years since I sat along side these girls all together at the same time and it made me happy me in a way I can’t explain. We group hugged like teenagers because that’s awesome. They are the best. Just. the. best. and I love them like sisters.
4. My God.
He has orchestrated this week in a way that only He can. There are no words to really explain how He does it. He fills the gaps and raises me up and sends me friendly Trader Joe’s workers to tell me I have gorgeous eyes, right after I sat in the parking lot and cried them all out. He places the sales clerk at the curriculum store who tells me, “character training is the most important. Your kids are watching how you handle life. History and geography? That’s the easy stuff. The gravy.”
5. He stretches me.
I have wrestled with deep questions for the last couple of weeks like you do in a time of crisis. It is easy when you have been raised in the church to sing the songs, raise your hands, and nod an amen. But do I mean them?
Where You go, I’ll go. When You move, I’ll move.
Sure I meant that. Because before that meant…my gorgeous house, my comfortable life. I’ll do that. I’ll move when He moves {as long as it’s comfortable}.
Now, it means a lot more. A move out of state? Away from my family and friends? A new surrounding? What if no one likes me? What if my kids don’t connect? What if there are tornados? or no Hobby Lobbys? I mean seriously. A whole bunch of unknowns.
6. God’s got this.
I hear that A LOT these days and while I know that with my head, it is just a reality that- that doesn’t mean I will immediately like what His plan is. Surrender. Faith. Prayer. His will, be my desires. I pray they are one in the same. I pray that no matter what lies ahead in the next year that my faith stays unwavering. That He uses the junk and the fabulous for His glory. That His name be lifted higher.
7. Surrender.
The theme of my life lately. This period I am entering is certainly no different. I just moved to the most gorgeous home ever that felt like home the second I walked through the door. My landlords/friends live next door and my kids reference them as their other grandparents and we love them a lot. Seriously, we just settled.
“God, you couldn’t mean this was just a temporary thing, right”.
*straight off my phone. can you even imagine the beauty of heaven.
8. Sadness.
The thought of leaving my people here in California makes me crazy sad. Like rip your heart out sad.
8. Excitement.
The thought of putting my family in a u haul and heading East {because West would require a boat} makes me giddy. A great big adventure awaiting. A whole big world out there.
9. Confusing.
How do you feel such intense overwhelming and conflicting emotions at the same time? It is so hard. Our house has suddenly turned into an emotional roller coaster. Five of us are on a different track and the baby is just mostly cute. While there is intense sadness in all of our hearts, there is a seed of excitement that I see in my children that only comes from God.
10. Peace.
Remember that song from a jillion years ago. I’ve got peace like a river, I’ve got peace like a river, I’ve got peace like a river in my soul. {if you were a church goer in the eighties please remember that you would put your high top up in the air on that last line as to represent the word soul. See what we did there? Soul, sole? The eighties were cool.}
11. The practical.
I haven’t even finished my school room. Should I? School is being reevaluated. Is the higher priced, hands on curriculum, I just started really the right choice for right now? Should I switch? How do I get up and do school when I want to lay in bed and hug my pillow?
12. Integrity
I’ve been reminded just how very much my husband has.
13. The real.
I fed my kid ice cream and pancakes from McDonalds for breakfast. In. rain. boots. And if that wasn’t enough to impress you with my mothering skills, I picked dried cornflakes out of his hair this morning and put him in the car seat for church AND then dropped him off for three services without a diaper bag. And you know what I have learned after four children? Some days…that is enough.
14. It’s fall.
Somehow this all just seems easier with a pumpkin spice candle burning and my fuzzy leopard slippers on my feet.
15. It’s on.
Mostly I am just inspired right now. Living in that profound state where you just realize how much everything matters. In the depth of my soul I am overwhelmingly grateful for the people we have had the pleasure to meet in this chapter of our life. In the last eight years I have been pushed to my limits on every emotion one possesses. It’s been a time of incredible joys, trials, and growth.
Life is like that.
And we press forward.
Reveal Your heart Lord Jesus, even now.