If you would have told me when I wrote THIS, that just 30 days later I would be where I am today, I would have promptly said, ha..HA. Not because I don’t believe God provides, because I do. Rather, many times I am a realist and I know that the process of finding a new position as a pastor should have, in human eyes, taken 4-6 months, at minimum. But God took my ha, Ha and dished it right back and said, “baby girl, I am going to take care of you and yours in ways you can’t even imagine.”
The last 4 weeks have been a whirlwind. Multiple options came flooding in and I tell you it was awesome on many levels. When you are looking at the calendar and your last paycheck is rapidly approaching and your new paycheck is not yet secured, the opportunity to freak out becomes an attractive option. It took a moment by moment choice to believe that all would be ok. Paycheck or no paycheck. Sometimes I was successful and sometimes my friends talked me off of the ledge.
Then came Missouri, the SHOW ME STATE. SHOW ME? It just all seems too appropriate. God’s humor is not wasted with me.
A four day interview trip with only a couple of days notice. I could go on and on about the things I loved about our trip. The people, the place, and the opportunity for my husband, but I will tell you above all…they speak our hearts. From detail to detail…they speak our hearts… AND that’s when we knew. God made it abundantly clear to us all.
After lots of prayer, talking, and lots of research…my husband has accepted a new position as the Creative Arts Pastor at a church in Lees Summit, Missouri, just outside of Kansas City. I am so proud of him. He’s going to rock it.
* My greeting upon entering Kansas City International Airport. Lord, I said anywhere, but really what I meant was anywhere withOUT tornados.
It is amazing how God seamlessly winds the trials and blessings of life to be a perfectly knit balance. I have tried to stay present and open and not miss one ounce of these days. I know full well the ability that I have to miss something. Life changes like this have forced my husband and I into lots of late night and early morning talks. When I say forced, I mean that it has driven the conversation into deep, deep, deep waters. D E E P ones. Good ones. Hard ones, but ones you can tend to not get into super often. Evaluating how we know God is speaking, why God calls us where, what does ministry really look like, and on and on and on….I have to be honest, I am t i r e d.
*darling little postcard scene right in the middle of Lees Summit.
I have struggled in this process. Struggled deeply at times. Somedays I wake up and wonder when I will ever feel normal again. The thought of leaving the west coast has made me sick to my stomach at times. While this may seem too dramatic for some, for me this is the only home I have ever had and with that comes a certain sense of safety and security.
*Kansas City was not what I pictured. I can’t wait to get back and explore
I believe with my whole heart that this is where God is calling us to go and that deep truth brings me peace in the midst of chaos. It brings confidence in uncertainty and it brings courage when I have little. It truly does.
One of my least favorite things is that Missouri is 24 hours by car from CA. So, we had to fly out. Not just one flight, but two because apparently there are no direct flights. I am not a fan of flying. I’m working on it, but let me say that it is not a fear of dying that causes this hatred, but rather an “oh, lord please let me be anywhere else, but in this place” type of feeling. I don’t like the feeling of speeding down the runway and taking off. Landing in Phoenix reminded me that I don’t so much like the feeling of turbulence either.
Boarding the plane to return back to California, I was insanely emotional. We were sitting in our seats waiting for that magical moment of take off that I love so much and I leaned my head back on the seat and closed my eyes. The tears started to come. I knew down deep that we were moving the day we arrived in Kansas City. It clicked and I felt it immediately. I think God prepares us this way in advance. I knew crying, sitting in my seat over the wing because I hear that is supposedly the safest place, that I was leaving a piece of my heart here in Kansas City. I knew that we would be back and my emotion got the best of me. Then the announcement came that we were cleared for take off and the tears poured. I assumed my take off position of becoming a human pretzel intertwined with my husband, but this time I decided not to clench and bruise him while we sped down the runway and left the earth.
The Lord has been working on me to live open. Arms stretched out as wide as they go with my eyes lifted up to the heavens. My heart lives there, but my brain and body language struggle to follow as I want to clench up many times to protect myself from bumps of life. It’s a visual the Lord has laid on my heart recently and it is vivid.
As the engines roared and we sped down the runway and lifted off into the air, I thought again what I always do…there is no logical reason this thing should be able to fly. I realize that to those with any sort of plane knowledge that there is an actual reason as to why it should and could BUT to me there is none. It’s a large heavy metal tube. A gogurt with wheels really.
A sweet, sweet friend reminded me before I left the that same God who cares for me on the ground can care for me in the sky and He is no less able to do so when I enter a plane. As we lifted off I repeated this, outstretched my arms in my head {because I am not totally insane}, and I let that plane carry me up without clenching.
It’s how I aim to live. Many days I fail at this.
Thankful His mercies are new every morning.
There are days that I want to go fetal on the floor and there are days that I do. Many of them.
BUT there are days where the peace and excitement floods my soul in a way I can not explain.
“Hard times are good for people. Not everyone gets to go through them, but for those that do…I just keep picturing a river with this crazy rushing current. You can hang on get exhausted struggling just to stay alive and stuck to that rock or you can let go and be carried by where it’s going to take you. You have to let go.” ~ Bloom, Kelle Hampton.
We leave shortly after the holidays to arrive in Missouri at the New Year.
Today, I texted my Monica, one of the first friends I had in Elk Grove 8 years ago. I invited myself over to her house immediately. I told her we looked like scum and were basically in pjs. She said it was o.k. because it was Wednesday. I got a hug, hot chocolate, a comfy couch, we teamed up for an impromptu hair cut for my little boy, and I snuggled her 6 week old….and I sniffed him. Nothing better then a baby smell.
Filled my soul.
Truly.
Praise my God, for Wednesdays, and the joy that they bring.