Our church hired a new tech director recently. He and his fantastic family moved in from out of state. After he had been here for awhile, I started noticing his hashtag on various photos of church ministry he was doing….#wegettodothis. It made me happy he viewed ministry this way. It also made my soul ache.
Every. Single. Time. I. Saw. It.
Why? Because I don’t get to do this. MY “this”. My “this” was sidelined several years back. I have “lost” a lot of things I cherished in my life over the past several years and it’s not been easy. It’s personal. It’s a deep soul, find contentment in Jesus alone quest. It’s exhausting. It’s sometimes tempting to mentally abort and to numb. It’s a daily battle to not grow bitter. Life just feels out of whack. All the while, battling a new found diagnosis of thyroid issues, Adrenal Fatigue, Vitamin levels that aren’t playing nice, and all the symptoms that those lovely words brought into my life. It’s no joke. There is a lot of them.
I love my life, my husband, my children, my “job” as a homeschool mama. But it’s all the rest. Questioning my purpose beyond that. Feeling invisible. Feeling worthless. Feeling lost. My ability to function when things I clearly held too tightly were taken away.
A couple weeks back, we had some unusually early snow fall. I was watching it come down out my kitchen window while making my kids lunch. The fire was burning in the fireplace. My kids were playing together…nicely. It was pretty much perfect. I thought to myself this is bliss. These moments I love. I can’t believe I get to do this. Oh wait. Hashtag anyone? I get it. The hashtag isn’t just for ministry life.
And it was another one of those moments that I prayed, no begged really, for clarity from Jesus, just moments earlier. Lord, where are you? It isn’t supposed to be this way. (Yes, I’m purchasing the book soon).
It’s all about perspective and trust. Can I be content without the things that I think I should be doing? Can I be at peace and feel God’s breath in my soul and live as the daughter of my Creator King when I’ve been sidelined? Can I change my perspective and focus on what I have instead of what I don’t and trust that He really is working all things together for good?
Life is hard y’all. I battle things, you battle things. Too many and too deep with too many pieces for either of us to put into 1000 words or less on a blog. I don’t know what’s up. In many ways my life makes zero sense to me. This isn’t all I’m capable of. Hey God, what if we do it this way? Hey Jesus, I’ve got a really good idea…Thank you for everything you’ve given me, I really love it, I do…but can I just have that too?
I think I will hashtag everything. I get to do this. All of it. I get to make peanut butter and jelly. I get to match socks. I get to learn daily beside my children. I get to care for my home. I get to support my husband and yes, I get to figure out how to heal this body of mine. I get to do this. I like this phrase better than a gratitude list or a thankful list. Those are just items, things, and experiences. WE GET TO DO THIS is a prayer and a heartbeat. A perspective that puts it all into perspective. Words that require a posture to match. This life is a gift. All of it. HE ALONE GETS TO DEFINE THE “THIS”.
Keep showin’ up another day.
No matter if my plans line up with His, no matter if it hurts, no matter if I have my ideal health, no matter if everyone else is playing in the sandbox and I am not. no matter…
I think, my friends, I am learning the true definition of trust. And learning it by laying down my life. My wants, my desires, my dreams, my plans….It’s easy to sing about and easy to say. Doing it is tough. Geez, like for real, brutal.
Hashtag we get to do this.
every. single. day.
And thanks, David. Your hashtag messed with my head in the best possible way.
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”
Winston Churchill